Typical

Ok , so I sat down to blog about the past month and a half and this is what is going on. (Just kind of typical of how we make plans and prepare. Then... life just kind of gets in the way.) Chandler is chasing Snickers around our yard, trying to get her to comply with taking a bath. This is not a normal Sunday activity, however, just before we were about to leave for church at about noon, we brought Snickers in from her morning galavant around the yard. She passed by me in the entry way and I about passed out. I thought maybe she had boofed, but no, she had dog doo all over her right ear and the right side of her body. Disgusting. So she stayed in the garage instead of her kennel area inside the house while we were gone to church. Now Chandler has the responsibility to get her all cleaned up and she is NOT at all happy about it. Not sure if Chandler or Snickers is more upset.

"Interested?"

"Interested?" That's what Craig Montierth asked me when we were in Carlsbad Beach, CA, oh my gosh, 22 years ago this summer. I thought he asked "Interesting?" and I answered in the affirmative. He then said, "So is he." I was floored, to say the least. He was asking me if I was interested in Bobby D. Then he told me that BOBBY WAS INTERESTED IN ME!!! I still find myself trying to figure that one out.

We just celebrated our 19th anniversary last week. THAT IS CRAZY! That's like such a long time, and man oh man so much has happened, and yet it doesn't seem possible that it has been that long.

He is the best husband to me and father to our kids that I ever, ever could have asked for. We decided a VERY long time ago, before we ever married, that we would not fight. We decided a long time ago that we would do our best to leave sarcasm out of our marriage. That was a little tough since sarcasm was a part of both of our upbringings.

He also promised me that he would never intentionally scare me. He's kept his promise. The only time or two he's ever scared me, it was a total and complete accident and he felt so bad for it. My dear dad had a fascination with scaring me and my mom and siblings while I was growing up and I was afraid Bobby might be the same way. He's not, thank goodness.

Early on in our marriage, when Bobby and I had a misunderstanding, rather than scream my head off at him (which I have never done ), I would clean. Clean like a mad woman. That's how Bobby knew we needed to talk. I've always been, and still am, afraid to hurt his feelings. I think he feels the same way. Not that it's a good idea to keep it all bottled up inside, that has it's ill effects too. I just have never wanted to hurt him.

When we were married and sealed in the temple, the sealer gave us some advice. One profound piece of advice he gave was to NEVER say anything hurtful to each other. He taught us that we can never take anything back that we've said. Words hurt like cuts in the skin. A cut will heal but may leave a scar. So will words . We may forgive the person, but the scar will always be there. We took that advice very seriously and have done our very best to live by that everyday.

We both feel so blessed to have 'found' each other at such young ages. Bobby was 18 and I was 16. I think for us, we grew up together in many ways and that worked to our advantage. But also, we made very conscious decisions to be kind and loving to each other very early in our relationship. To make each other our top priority. That's not easy all the time, especially when you have demanding, hungry, needy kids, jobs, church and civic duties. I consider us both to be very patient as well. Patience is a virtue, I hear. But also, patience is not something you ever master. It is a characteristic that we all have to constantly practice.

Bobby is my very best friend. I am so thankful for his love, patience and support. One of his qualities that I have always admired is the fact that he is so optimistic. He is and always has been so positive. This has been tried and tested over the last several years as we have faced adversity. He is a man of great integrity, one who honors his priesthood. I am extremely grateful for him.

I know that we are very blessed to have the relationship that we have. For many years I felt almost guilty that we have such a great relationship and wish that everyone had the same for themselves. I have been fortunate enough that my husband has chosen to treat me well in word and deed. I count my blessings everyday that he has made good choices and that he has remained faithful to me and the Gospel.

Bobby, I love you with all of my heart. I'm so sorry for the pain you have to endure everyday. Keep in mind, it's only this lifetime. You always make me feel so good about myself and because of you, I want to be the best person I can. Thank you for loving me.

A New ME

I have recently begun running. I tried several times in the past to fall in love with it, or even just tolerate it, with no success.

Bobby loves to run, and just before he got sick (Sept. '07) he started running again on a regular basis. When he got sick, he couldn't exercise for many months. Now that he can exercise again, he does not have the ability or stamina to start where he left off, not even remotely close to where he left off. So little by little, he is working his way to where he can hopefully run again.

Having the emotional, financial and physical struggles we've been enduring for the past year and a half, I, at times have been so desperate for relief. I feel I've done, we've done, all that we can up to this point to improve our situation and catch up financially. At times I have just wanted to run away. Get away from it all.

Bobby had his back surgery in February '03. By August, I was a complete mess. I was depressed and had major anxiety. I held up very well until he was almost all better. We knew his retirement was a short time away and I began to really be afraid of what our future held and what we were going to do. Could we stay in California? I hated the thought of moving away. Would Bobby ever find employment that was as satisfying to him as law enforcement was? He was not happy about having to retire. It tore him up. It tore me up.

Bobby's uncle was dying and my Granny Goose had just died. Going back to Arkansas with my mom, her sister and my cousin was a quick and exhausting trip. Emotionally draining and just... sad. I learned more about my grandfather, who I never really knew, and did not like anything I heard.

So, only because I was pushed into going to my doctor and had Bobby in the room with me, I came clean. I admitted to my doctor that I was a mess. I prayed so hard for days before my appointment that he would be guided as to how to help me through this. I had a witness in the doctor's office that he, my doctor, was inspired and I knew without a doubt that what he was prescribing me was exactly what I needed.

Five days after starting this new prescription, I suddenly found myself playing frisbee on our front lawn with my kids. Seriously. It was a huge realization that I was starting to feel better. The medication I was taking helped me so much to act and feel like myself again. I was smiling again. I could take deep breaths again without feeling like I was suffocating. I slept better. I was a happier mom and wife. I was no longer completely consumed with fear and desperation. The meds helped me so much that I DID NOT CARE if I had to take them for the rest of my life.

There were, of course, some weird and annoying side effects, like sweating a lot, like in the creases of my arms. Weird. And I gained about 10 pounds. That sucked. But, the benefits far outweighed the inconveniences.

So, I have tried a few times over the last 4 years, unsuccessfully, to wean myself off of the medication. I ended up on the lowest dose every other day and had excruciating headaches every day. I resigned myself to the fact that I may just need to take this med for the rest of my life.

So back to my running. As I mentioned earlier, with all that we have and are continuing to go through, especially the financial crap, I have just more than ever wanted to blow off some steam.

I finally took the advice of my good doctor, (different than the one before since he is in California and I no longer live there) and I started running. My doctor here is a HUGE advocate for exercise. He has made suggestions in the past and I had not heeded his counsel.

Finally, when one day I was so worried about finances and other family stresses, I felt like running. Crazy, but kind of like Forest Gump. I just wanted to RUN. I knew I couldn't run away from my problems, but just maybe I could run my problems away, at least to the point where I could handle the stress a little better. And guess what? I felt SOOOOOOOOOOOO much better inside!

We, through an awesome friend, found a used treadmill and bought it at a second hand store for $35 just before Christmas. It's a nice one too. So I was able to run downstairs and not have to abandon my kids.

Since I began running, I have set a goal for myself to run in our city's Pioneer Day 10K at the end of July. What has gotten in to me? I'm not quite sure, but I like it... a lot! I am up to 3 miles at a time. I have two months to get my rear in gear and get up to 6.4 miles for the 10K.

Today on my run, about half way through, I repeated in my head the words... "I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful!" Trying to convince myself that I really would feel good, great and wonderful. Not just in my head, but my body as well. It hurts, but in a great way. I don't feel so much like I'm going to hyperventilate or die, like I have in the past. I am so proud of myself. I never, ever thought I could run... and survive. But I am. And I am a better person for it.

It's still March, but Spring is here!

I'm really going to make a better effort at blogging more. I have this idea in my head that I need to put pics up each time I blog, and that is just not going to happen. So... for the sake of not letting too much time pass between blogs, I'm letting myself off the hook of posting pics each time I post. I love reading blogs from friends, some family and even people I've never met and I have a lot to say too, so beware! (hee hee hee!)

Chan Man is 15!

Chandler on his blessing day - 1 month old

Disneyland 2004

Christopher - 3yrs & Chandler - abt 9 months

Chandler at about 1 year old

Channy 1 yr old

3 yrs old in our backyard in Whittier, CA

Carlsbad Beach 1997

Savannah - 9yrs, Chandler - 3 yrs, Christopher - 5 yrs

Such a ham!!! - 4 yrs old

Chandler - Kindergarten

Yosemite 2004 - Chan 10 yrs old here, constantly cracks us up!

His personality is so much like Ryan

Chandler -14 yrs old


Chan and Danielle - March '09

Chandler - 15, Danielle 3

Chandler turned 15 last week! Woot Woot! He is playing Lacrosse now and loving it. They've had their first few games, and continue to have two a week. Chris is also playing.

Chan playing lacrosse - March '09

So I can't really believe Chan is 15. He'll be getting his learner's permit soon. Here, in Utah a 15 year old can have his or her permit. I think it's a great way to learn and prepare for their license at 16.

Chandler is such a great kid, he is so full of life and BS at times too :)

Happy Birthday Chan! We love you so much!

Oh my, a whole month again! Things are soo much better, I am happy to report!
Bobby had his 40th birthday on the 9th. Haley and a friend of hers decorated the front room and entryway. So cute! We had homemade mexican food and german chocolate cake for Bobby's birthday dinner and dessert. Then, we joined some friends at our local church building for a family home evening lesson and dessert. Games too :)

I'll add a couple of pics soon.

Bobby is feeling GREAT these days! He has had a particularly good week and is feeling so much better than this time last month. Whew!

Our kids are awesome, and Spring is just around the corner... Yay!!!

Have a super March! And happy birthday to Dr. Seuss today!

Chandler will be 15 on the 18th!

Just a quick post

I keep thinking I'll post about Bobby's health challenges over the past few years, but every time I think about it, I just don't want to go there emotionally. Someday, just not now. It's hard enough sometimes just dealing with the present.

He was diagnosed and began treatment for systemic lupus last spring. Some days it's just horrible for him. He hasn't felt like himself in so long. I hate it and so does he. Today he is completely miserable. He has been nauseated for 4 days now, his head hurts, his joints hurt (hips, wrists, knees, back, ankles, you name it). His hands and feet are swollen, he just hurts.

He missed work Thursday, Friday and today because of it all. He fakes feeling well most of the time. In addition to the lupus, he suffers with migraine headaches, several a month. He also has had a lot of trouble with kidney stones. He was in pain with one just this weekend.

He has a great attitude and so do I... most of the time. Then there are those dark moments that creep in and make us wonder, "Will this EVER get any better?" At least we know that it will only last in this lifetime. I'd like to believe he is being tried and tested so he may someday be able to help someone else who is suffering as he is now. We have a lot of faith, but it is being tested.

We have awesome friends and family who remember us in their prayers, offer words of encouragement and serve us beyond belief. Thank you to all of you for your love and support.

Thanks for listening... this too shall pass.