A New ME

I have recently begun running. I tried several times in the past to fall in love with it, or even just tolerate it, with no success.

Bobby loves to run, and just before he got sick (Sept. '07) he started running again on a regular basis. When he got sick, he couldn't exercise for many months. Now that he can exercise again, he does not have the ability or stamina to start where he left off, not even remotely close to where he left off. So little by little, he is working his way to where he can hopefully run again.

Having the emotional, financial and physical struggles we've been enduring for the past year and a half, I, at times have been so desperate for relief. I feel I've done, we've done, all that we can up to this point to improve our situation and catch up financially. At times I have just wanted to run away. Get away from it all.

Bobby had his back surgery in February '03. By August, I was a complete mess. I was depressed and had major anxiety. I held up very well until he was almost all better. We knew his retirement was a short time away and I began to really be afraid of what our future held and what we were going to do. Could we stay in California? I hated the thought of moving away. Would Bobby ever find employment that was as satisfying to him as law enforcement was? He was not happy about having to retire. It tore him up. It tore me up.

Bobby's uncle was dying and my Granny Goose had just died. Going back to Arkansas with my mom, her sister and my cousin was a quick and exhausting trip. Emotionally draining and just... sad. I learned more about my grandfather, who I never really knew, and did not like anything I heard.

So, only because I was pushed into going to my doctor and had Bobby in the room with me, I came clean. I admitted to my doctor that I was a mess. I prayed so hard for days before my appointment that he would be guided as to how to help me through this. I had a witness in the doctor's office that he, my doctor, was inspired and I knew without a doubt that what he was prescribing me was exactly what I needed.

Five days after starting this new prescription, I suddenly found myself playing frisbee on our front lawn with my kids. Seriously. It was a huge realization that I was starting to feel better. The medication I was taking helped me so much to act and feel like myself again. I was smiling again. I could take deep breaths again without feeling like I was suffocating. I slept better. I was a happier mom and wife. I was no longer completely consumed with fear and desperation. The meds helped me so much that I DID NOT CARE if I had to take them for the rest of my life.

There were, of course, some weird and annoying side effects, like sweating a lot, like in the creases of my arms. Weird. And I gained about 10 pounds. That sucked. But, the benefits far outweighed the inconveniences.

So, I have tried a few times over the last 4 years, unsuccessfully, to wean myself off of the medication. I ended up on the lowest dose every other day and had excruciating headaches every day. I resigned myself to the fact that I may just need to take this med for the rest of my life.

So back to my running. As I mentioned earlier, with all that we have and are continuing to go through, especially the financial crap, I have just more than ever wanted to blow off some steam.

I finally took the advice of my good doctor, (different than the one before since he is in California and I no longer live there) and I started running. My doctor here is a HUGE advocate for exercise. He has made suggestions in the past and I had not heeded his counsel.

Finally, when one day I was so worried about finances and other family stresses, I felt like running. Crazy, but kind of like Forest Gump. I just wanted to RUN. I knew I couldn't run away from my problems, but just maybe I could run my problems away, at least to the point where I could handle the stress a little better. And guess what? I felt SOOOOOOOOOOOO much better inside!

We, through an awesome friend, found a used treadmill and bought it at a second hand store for $35 just before Christmas. It's a nice one too. So I was able to run downstairs and not have to abandon my kids.

Since I began running, I have set a goal for myself to run in our city's Pioneer Day 10K at the end of July. What has gotten in to me? I'm not quite sure, but I like it... a lot! I am up to 3 miles at a time. I have two months to get my rear in gear and get up to 6.4 miles for the 10K.

Today on my run, about half way through, I repeated in my head the words... "I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful!" Trying to convince myself that I really would feel good, great and wonderful. Not just in my head, but my body as well. It hurts, but in a great way. I don't feel so much like I'm going to hyperventilate or die, like I have in the past. I am so proud of myself. I never, ever thought I could run... and survive. But I am. And I am a better person for it.